Head-On Collisions, Steve Jobs, and the 2014 Mercedes S-Class

"Speedmonkey" (Speedmonkey) 08/29/2013 at 10:27 • Filed to: S-Class

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There’s an old joke that goes something like this: Upon arriving home from work, a husband comes in the front door of his house and is immediately smothered by his loving wife.

“I’m so relieved you’re home safe!” she says into his ear, hugging and kissing him. “I was so worried for you. I saw a report on the news that some maniac was driving down the highway in the wrong direction!”

“I know honey,” the husband exclaims, “but it wasn’t just one car – there were hundreds of them!”

Okay, maybe not exactly the cutting edge of comedy, yet I couldn’t help but remember this punch line when looking over the new !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Though I haven’t gotten my mits on one, the spec sheet is mighty impressive. Merc’s redesigned super executive sedan has features like seatbelt airbags, dual split-screen 12.3-inch digital displays, cloud connectivity to Facebook and Google, reverse-flow seat ventilation fans and a hot massage function with 14 separate air bladders, allegedly developed with physiotherapists and psychologists (seriously). It actually has something called ‘Magic Body Control’ – with a price tag north of $90,000 due at launch, it’d better pull rabbits from hats.

What has me quaking is not the !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! ’ new Night View Assist PLUS system (which shines a lamp on animals in the road, then strobe lights them into an epileptic seizure), but rather the string of half-cocked imitations that surely will follow. Mercedes’ powerhouse flagship is the oracle of automotive technology – in 1959, the S-Class was the first car with designed crumple zones; standard air-ride suspension in 1966; anti-lock brakes in 1978; soundproofed windows in 1991, and so on and so forth. This means that, within the next year or two, every automaker will be attempting to mimic these technologies into their own more affordable, more accessible models. Therein lies the problem…

It’s true that features once exclusive to those Bentleys and Porsches of the world now come standard on vehicles with a GM badge. Because of this, there exists a large constituency of car buyers and enthusiasts who now believe that the only reason to buy something upmarket is a chronic case of badge snobbery, with occasional pangs of cynicism. While I’m a staunch proponent of equal access to technology (my father was sure to impress his 1960s ‘power to the people’ mentality onto the firstborn son), the real difference between a Ford Focus and an S-Class is the not the volume of features, but whether they actually work.

Pondering this led me to watch the late Steve Jobs deliver his keynote speech at the iPhone’s worldwide unveiling in 2007. Admittedly, I am not a Jobs worshipper. Yet I was taken by how he emphasized again and again the product’s functionality, and that any features not intuitive should (and were) eradicated. The problem with other ‘smartphones’, he said, is that they weren’t ‘smart’ at all.

For more than a half-decade, scores of mobile devices, ranging from one-uppers to blatant rip-offs, have tried besting the iPhone; none have been successful.

Such has been the case for so many affordable sedans of late, with manufacturers seemingly determined to install upmarket bits into standard cars. With the limitations of price-point budgeting, sans extensive R&D, those automakers outside the premium segment have mucked up a host of innovations into shoddy imitation. Hell, even those within the upper realm have gotten a bit big for their britches on more than one occasion.

Insert obligatory BMW iDrive joke here.

This fetishizing of features only serves to appease two crowds: dealers attempting to persuade new car buyers with a spectacular (looking) sales brochure, and those in the Look-What-It-Can-Do Club who live solely on the one-time ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ of their family and friends. For most consumers, badly-cloned luxury technologies merely complicate ownership, inhibit the driving experience, and leave hundreds of additional parts (all made on the cheap, of course) to malfunction and cost thousands to repair.

If Steve Jobs should be commended for anything, it was his infallible desire for functionality and merciless expectations. When Apple’s original MobileMe cloud system debuted it 2008, it was plagued with syncing bugs and characterized as being an ‘unfinished product’ by reviewers. Jobs called the MobileMe development team in for a meeting and asked, “Can anyone tell me this product is supposed to do?” The designers took turns answering.

“Then why the fuck doesn’t it do that?” he said.

The project lead was then fired on the spot.

My fear is that, with the debut of the new S-Class (and its competition, in tow), Ford will move on to copying night vision and animal strobe lamps instead of reengineering SYNC Touch into a system that actually works properly. Innovation simply for the sake of saying so is spreading entry-level cars too thin; Mercedes has the privilege to engineer hot message seats because it has already mastered the basics. Culinary students don’t take a crack at pâté de foie gras before perfecting oatmeal.

In a recent test by Automobile, infotainment systems by Cadillac, Toyota and Hyundai all failed to top 3 of 5 stars in the Ease of Use category. Analyzing the sharp decline in Initial Quality Study (IQS) last year, J.D. Power pointed to infotainment units, with ‘hands-free systems failing to recognize voice commands’ cited as the single most-reported problem. In fact, owner-reported issues with factory hands-free systems has climbed an appalling 137% over the past four years. I find this to be incredibly disturbing, and indicative of an even more disturbing trend.

No doubt, automakers have already begun tearing apart the 2014 S-Class in a mad dash to replicate some of its features for a nickel on the dollar. But what if the husband from that old joke was right, dangerously facing hundreds of cars with mediocre sat-navs that had haphazardly sent their owners the wrong direction on the freeway.

The punch line wouldn’t be so funny then, would it?

Article by Max Prince

See Max's Speedmonkey columns !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and his own website (which is excellent) !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!!

Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 10:48

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I'm am definitely warming up to the W222 S-Class and those turbine styled wheels are definitely helping.

kouryuuk > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 10:57

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YES! This is the problem with most entry level cars these days, gizmos and gadgets that don't work as well as their original inspirations.

One manufacturer who I find doing great things and not telling anyone is Volkswagen. Hill Hold Control? Standard on most vehicles with a DSG. Not only is it standard it works great, you would never notice it if you didn't look, And they tell nobody about it, it's not a selling point in dealerships, it is barely mentioned on their website or brochure. Brake Assist? Standard on all vehicles, again works great, never notice it and the softest touch of the brakes will stop your car while avoiding excessive brake wear. These are the feature that are important when driving, not a massive touchscreen display for our facebook, and yet they aren't pushed for by consumers.

R W > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 10:59

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So what were the ratings for the mb mmi system?

Also, you sound a bit out of touch. The iphone isnt the endgame anymore.

Speedmonkey > Nighthawkwill7, Hoon Depot Manager 08/29/2013 at 11:01

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It's just the insanely grinning steering wheel holding it back

graham > kouryuuk 08/29/2013 at 11:02

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Hill Holder? Uh, that was introduced on cars in 1936, and horse and buggies well before then. Perhaps that's why VW isn't going overboard in promoting it in 2013. ;)

kouryuuk > graham 08/29/2013 at 11:07

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How many cars today even offer Hill Hold Control? It should be on all vehicles, yet it isn't. Volkswagen is doing the right thing by putting it in as many cars as possible and as a result making our uphill/downhill roads safer. I have driven in loads of newer cars that don't have this as a feature, all the new Nissan's with that awful CVT, All Scions, most Toyota's, most Ford's. I don't think there is a new car today that Volkswagen makes that doesn't have it, that is mostly due to their broad use of the DSG.

Wave Motion Gun > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:10

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Nobody will ever duplicate the goatse clown face at any price. It can't be done.

hodor > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:13

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FWIW, iDrive has been pretty fantastic for at least the last few iterations. Ever since 2010 or so actually. It's worlds ahead of any competing system in other high end cars, particularly the Mercedes COMAND system, which looks like someone assembled the user interface with MS Paint.

Cheesewhiz > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:16

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Well said Max. The "could" mentality too often trumps questioning if they "should" and we get jumbled messes of tech as a frustrating (and distracting) result. I bought a new car recently that is leagues better than its class, drives beautifully, yet I absolutely hate. Why? The lack of Steve Jobs' ruthless demands for simple, elegant functionality.

Whereforartthou Steve Jobs' ruthlessness?!

IDer > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:19

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This reminded me of the days when even the number of cup holders can be a selling point. It's not just cars, but everything else too. To compete with features is the same as price cut war. If you cannot present the unique core value of your product or service that makes you irreplaceable, then not only are you just a follower, you are dispensable. Some businesses survive on meaning, some survive on value and many survive on the lack of. There's a very good reasons why companies like MB survive strong and well. You may not be their customers, but you sure benefit from their passion.

FiveSeries > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:25

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This article. Is. Damn Right

. . > kouryuuk 08/29/2013 at 11:29

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My dad's 2010 Ford Transit has it. I believe my mum's Civic has it too (although I'm not 100% sure). It's really not an exciting or new feature.

triq033 > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:31

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What is that!!! I see it on all Benzes, what is that insipid plastic piece behind the grill

chris209 > kouryuuk 08/29/2013 at 11:33

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Is that like Hill Start Assist that Subaru's have? I also test drove an Acura TL that had it. So it's not common, but VW is far from the only manufacturer to offer it.

dogisbadob > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:34

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yay hood ornament!

F50F60 > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:40

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What makes you think all those systems will function correctly on this Benz?? You will have warning lights/software issues/malfunctions from the get go! It's a Benz, there is a very good reason they offer free loaner cars. Mercedes stopped being Mercedes from 1996 on.

Sky Blue > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:44

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"For more than a half-decade, scores of mobile devices, ranging from one-uppers to blatant rip-offs, have tried besting the iPhone; none have been successful."

Uhh I beg to differ here sir.
http://techland.time.com/2013/04/16/ios…

dogisbadob > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 11:45

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No mention of Lexus? When theLS400 came out, Mercedes rushed to stuff the W140 with features—before they were developed, so none of them ever worked. Then there's always the Lagonda.

But I agree with the main point of the article, that we don't need tech just for tech's sake.

Mojonaut > triq033 08/29/2013 at 11:59

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Apparently, it's Jim Bob...

kouryuuk > . . 08/29/2013 at 12:02

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It's becoming more and more prolific which is good, but it should be a feature on every vehicle and yet it isn't. It''s one of those things that you don't really notice till it's gone.

Some cars are able to hold uphill based purley on torque (My crown victoria can do this), the real test is on the downhill, will your car just roll away or will it stay put till you hit the accelerator and ease it's way down?

kouryuuk > chris209 08/29/2013 at 12:08

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Hill Start Assist is a slight variation of the same system, Hill Hold Control works anytime you are going uphill/ downhill and it prevents the car from rolling backwards/ forwards when you are stopped.

My point is not that Volkswagen only offers it, it's that Volkswagen makes it standard on all vehicles and they don''t even mention it . It's starting to become much more common which is a good thing, I just wish more manufactures worked on implementing great features that actually work, instead of all this useless MySync bullshit that only works against you while driving.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > triq033 08/29/2013 at 12:14

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It's the radar transceiver for the Distronic cruise control.

Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment > F50F60 08/29/2013 at 12:14

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I'm thinking you haven't been in a Benz in about 10 years or so.

Speedmonkey > triq033 08/29/2013 at 12:15

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Radar. For adaptive cruise control. You see variants on lots of new cars. i've tried it on Mercs, Infinitis etc. It's bloody good

Speedmonkey > F50F60 08/29/2013 at 12:16

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They did turn into crapsville for a few years but have been on an upward trajectory for a while

Speedmonkey > hodor 08/29/2013 at 12:16

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COMAND is bollocks. The best version I've used was a simplified system in the Vito van!

jtfarabee > kouryuuk 08/29/2013 at 12:17

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Maybe I'm missing something here, but I have been driving (almost exclusively manual transmissions) for years, and never have I said "It would be really nice if my car would hold the hill for me." In fact, I don't want this feature on my car. It's just one more thing to have to worry about fixing someday. I don't need my car to do this, I can do it myself. There is a wonderful piece of safety gear that has given me this control on any vehicle I have driven, they are called brakes.

kouryuuk > jtfarabee 08/29/2013 at 12:29

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Trust me, after a day of driving in any hilly area you will want Hill Hold Control, If you stall on a hill, not a problem, easy to start up again without fear of rolling down hill. Do you want to be a total badass and modulate throtle, clutch and handbrake for that flawless seemingly effortless Hill start/ascent/decent, more power to ya, the system wont intrude and can be disabled if need be.

Saying you don't want something because it will eventually breakdown is like saying you don't want to have sex with any ladies because you eventually run the risk of having kids. Are some ladies and situations more likely to have kids then others, yea totally, but discounting a feature just because one day it will go wrong is just plain silly.

Fdor > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 12:33

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Not the entire picture by any stretch. Car companies aren't "just" copying Mercedes just like smart phone makers aren't "just" copying Apple. Some car companies have done a better job than Mercedes and some have done worse just like some smartphones have done a better job than Apple and some worse. Mercedes has also copied other car companies as well so don't get too high on that throne. Thinking that any product is inherently better at all things is snobbery at its finest. Your point about the iPhone is funny considering Apple is currently falling behind Samsung's Galaxy line in popularity, even among those who review devices. Maybe you're just out of touch with that market.

That said, you see the electronics in cheap cars now because the technology itself has gotten cheaper. Back when big screens and satellite navigation first entered the car the technology was very expensive. Now you can get satellite navigation on the cheapest of phones. Including all the latest bells and whistles on a Honda Civic makes no sense. It would drive the price of the vehicle through the roof and put it out of the market it is competing in (cheap wheels). But, when that technology becomes cheap enough to be included in the cheaper cars without affecting its price too much ... then they include it. Mercedes is already charging a hefty price point for the S-Class so including the latest technology is part of that package and price.

Built BMW Tough > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 12:35

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It went the other way around for the 1999-2002 S-class, which managed to copy the horrid reliability of the worst cars on the market.

I love you but I've chosen hooning! > hodor 08/29/2013 at 13:05

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I've used iDrive since 2004 and never felt it was too complicated. It was just fucking revolutionary to its time and the people in the market for a 7 Series weren't down with that kind of tech.

ParkerArt > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 13:06

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You sir, are not my friend.

I have a Focus ST and up in Kanuckistan, it is nearly impossible to have one without My F(ailure)ord Touch. I could more or less ignore the voice crap but the radio controls are routed through the touch screen; the physical buttons are gone for a more 'clean' and 'modern' style.

Great, however, when MFT locks up, freezes or restarts (which is rather often), you can't change volume, station, input or switch to the SatNav. The buttons on the wheel also lag when listening to satellite radio because MFT has a fit when switching between Sirius and FM.

I really wish I had the option of just having regular buttons and shit... MFT is just a waste of money on a new car.

chris209 > kouryuuk 08/29/2013 at 13:06

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Ok that makes sense. I know many Subaru's have the hill start assist, but I don't know if it's standard.

MySync gets a lot of hate, but I don't have a problem using it in my friend's Edge. But I don't have to use it everyday so I don't know the pain that some users report.

AndyJF > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 13:22

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'Reverse-flow seat ventilation fans'.

At last. An in-car fart extraction device.

I've needed one of these forever.

F50F60 > Evan, Pope Of Jalopnik by Self-Appointment 08/29/2013 at 13:25

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2005 S430 -Constant malfunction lights. Software issues on a weekly bases. Interior was not put in right, constant rattles.

2005 E350 - Constant brake issues. Instrument cluster, radio went out while driving and never came back up.

2007 C230 Sport - Steering Column thud/noise that was never diagnosed write and fixed.

2008 S63- Oil leaks, constant brake issues. Engine sub-frame needs replacement.

2012 GL450- Information/Entertainment system stopped working. Was replaced with new components/parts. About a week later it went all bad, this time for unknown reasons ECU went out. Car was is the shop for over a month. Lease was terminated by Mercedes-Benz.

I advised all the above people not to buy Mercedes Benz's. They purchased and didn't lease. Only one person listed and leased, saved his ass. Rule #1, never-ever purchase to own a German car. Always lease.

1995 SL500- No engine/transs/software issues. No suspension/frame issues. Car has 145,000 miles on it.

Seems to me that only the drivetrains are solid. Everything else is junk.

RoadToad > triq033 08/29/2013 at 13:25

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Radar, sonar or Lidar.. I cant remember which. A lot of other brands do a better job at hiding it. But if youre using a hood ornament... well hard to hide.

Driving-ms-paisley > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 13:31

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Why in the heck would i want my car to link up to facebook? That might possibly be the LAST thing I want my car to do.

cloaked > F50F60 08/29/2013 at 13:47

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Guys like you make claims that Porsche stopped being Porsche with the advent of the 996. Do yourself a favor, go learn about Mercedes Benz. You're living in the dark ages.

cloaked > AndyJF 08/29/2013 at 13:49

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Porsche's had that since they came out with 'ventilated seats' 2009.

GrauGeist > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 13:55

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This article would have been a lot better with a photo of the dash & center stack.

Also, poking at iDrive is kinda silly.

This is how my DD's workspace is laid out (tho mine is grey, with the 14-way seats). All of the switchgear is where it belongs, and the HVAC is a standard 3 knob job. And iDrive works pretty darn well.

Just sayin'

HookedOnPhoenix > triq033 08/29/2013 at 13:56

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I think that's the shield for the radar-controlled cruise control. M-B's with the three-pointed Star in the grille with this feature will have this area filled in as well, as opposed to being hollow behind it.

MIATAAAA > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 14:02

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How did Automobile rank MB infotainment systems?

F50F60 > cloaked 08/29/2013 at 14:14

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You ever drive a 1970's 240D with a 5-speed manual over cobblestone roads in Germany? How about a 300TD, driven one of those? It's like butter over honey, smooth and satisfying. All the new ones drive like any other brand cars. There is a reason dictators do not ride in big Benz's any more, they break down. Nothing special about a Benz anymore...

I like the 996, first water-cooled käfer.

Dest > kouryuuk 08/29/2013 at 14:29

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This, getting out of my gfs Subaru (which has it) and going into my car (doesn't), I do wish it had the assist.

GTRB26 > kouryuuk 08/29/2013 at 14:35

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It makes perfect sense for manual transmissions to have hill hold, but on auto trans, the torque converter holds/controls the vehicle in place most of the time. Also, DSG is more of an upper end option, meaning that its not as readily available as traditional auto boxes or CVT, so with extra price, they can afford to put hill holders in it as a package. And DSG behaves more like a manual transmission so it makes sense that hill holder is included with it. Yeah I do agree that more cars should have it, along with electric parking brakes. its a nice touch.

urdum > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 14:44

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"none have been successful."

Wrong.

http://www.trustedreviews.com/news/samsung-g…

kouryuuk > GTRB26 08/29/2013 at 14:45

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If the car doesn't have enough torque at idle to hold the car it becomes a problem, also the steeper the incline, the more torque needed.

The base Jetta (VWoA cheapest car) includes a DSG, the only other option is a manual transmission. Volwswagen has figured out how to include a DSG, which I think you will agree is the best auto box available on all of their cars regardless of price. With the DSG come all the features. I think more manufacturers should be trying to perfect their cars with smart intuitive features that actually improve the driving experience, rather than a half baked technology rushed to market for the sole purpose of marketing.

cloaked > F50F60 08/29/2013 at 16:21

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You're living in some odd vacuum pipe dream. They're more reliable then then've ever been. Besides you're comparing Apollo 13 technology compared to a iPhone 5 in terms of technology. Not sure if anyone told you, but we're in a NEW millienium. Been in it for 13 years. Technology has changed, quite a bit. And frankly, most people who bitch and moan about 'yesterday' being better haven't contributed towards the bottom line of either MB or Porsche in the last 20 some odd years. Which is to say 'if you ain't putting your money where your mouth is, you've lost the right to bitch.'. I've driven both the 240D 5-speed and 300TD in and around New England for years thank you very much. Those cars are history. New Technology is here to say. And MB global sales figures would contradict your 'nothing special about Benz anymore' comment. Many CEO's in the EU and USA drive S Class's or are driven IN them.

Spasoje > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 16:38

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Agreed. Some can't see the forest from the trees!

Look at all the love for cars such as the G-class, the Crown Vic, or even the W123. All of these have a strong fan-base for one simple reason: they do exactly what they're supposed to do, and they do it well. That's what a good car is - it isn't one with all the gadgets...

Company leaders are too focused on short term potential benefit ( "Night vision pedestrian detection, because we can!" ) than long term prosperity, something that not only benefits the firm, but society itself.

F50F60 > cloaked 08/29/2013 at 17:16

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Oh almost forgot;

2006 SL500 - Right and left rear mufflers had to be replaced just after about 6,000 miles. Material got loose in one of them and made horrible noise, like a ball bearing hurtling around in a cooking pan.

cloaked > F50F60 08/29/2013 at 17:19

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That's about the time the technology requirements from clients, exploded. Post 2007 MB's reliability shot up. Theyve been using Harman Int'l electronics versus Bosch. Last I checked, BMW's reliablity isnt nearly as good as MB and even Audi suffered for MANY years using Bosch Teir 3 electronics. Get into a 2007 -present Benz. World of difference. But you don't have to believe me, all the data is out there and so is their sales records.

F50F60 > cloaked 08/29/2013 at 17:23

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Just b/c something sells a lot, doesn't make it a good. Valtrex and iPhone's sell a lot, both are horrible.

RosarchII > Speedmonkey 08/29/2013 at 19:47

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Good article. Couple of spelling errors, but other than that, pretty spot on.

cloaked > F50F60 08/30/2013 at 10:13

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lmao. Ok, I get it now. You're 'that guy'. Credibilty is now officially zilch.

triq033 > HookedOnPhoenix 09/01/2013 at 14:47

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Makes sense. Thanks!